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Diplomatically disagreeing without conflict { March 8 2007 } Original Source Link: (May no longer be active)
http://www.wamu.org/programs/kn/07/03/08.php#13099http://www.wamu.org/programs/kn/07/03/08.php#13099
The Importance of Saying No: Negotiating 101
Thursday March 8, 2007
World-renowned negotiation expert William Ury has mediated everything from strikes in Kentucky coal mines to ethnic wars in the Middle East to conflicts at the dinner table. He joins us to share his strategy for saying no while still preserving a positive relationship.
Guests
William "Bill" Ury, Director, Global Negotiation Project (formerly the Project on Preventing War), Harvard University Law School; also author of "The Power of A Positive No: How to say NO and Still Get to YES" (Bantam)
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34:40 mins
William Ury: Match them with intensity, "I really do care," but it's not negative... You engage with them at their level of intensity, but not their level of negativity.....Most important tool of negotiation actually has nothing to do with talking, and has everything to do with listening... Just hear them out.. but if you aren't reacting to them, and you aren't feeding fuel to the fire, after a while they start to peter out and run out of steam.
45:20 mins
William Ury: If you get a sense that somebody is being dishonest, ask them questions that you already know the answer....You might want to take the owness (sp?) on yourself, so you aren't blaming them...."Maybe I'm a little slow here"... but it seems to me what you said before was this, and now I'm hearing you say that.
47:30 mins
William Ury: Saying "no" can be a gift to the other side. I so often hear people say tell me "yes" or tell me "no" but tell me now. "Let me get on with my life." But what we do is we're ambiguous, we're vague.... saying positive no can make for better relationships.
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http://www.amazon.com/Power-Positive-No-How-Still/dp/0553804987
The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes (Hardcover)
by William Ury (Author)
Editorial Reviews
From Publishers Weekly
Twenty-five years after the publication of the bestselling Getting to Yes, Ury addresses the other side of the coin, but his version of "No" is not a simple rejection. "A Positive No begins with Yes and ends with Yes," he says, because it defines the nay-sayer's self-interests and paves the way for a continued relationship. Ury delineates this "Yes! No. Yes?" pattern recursively, so that each step is itself another three-part process. In addition to drawing on his own experiences as a negotiator for conflicts in countries like Chechnya and Venezuela, and the historical examples of activists like Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandela and Mahatma Gandhi, he shows how his principles can be used in the home and the workplace. He even throws in a few literary precedents, citing Melville's Bartleby the Scrivener, whose repetition of the phrase "I would prefer not to" is cited as a "simple and admirable" method of polite refusal. Some of Ury's advice, like describing how another's actions make you feel rather than attacking the action, may strike the more cynical minded as touchy-feely, but his reminders to consider the other person's perspective while asserting your own position create a clear, unambiguous path to win-win situations. (Mar. 6)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Review
"William Ury brings a marvelous blend of experience, insight, integrity and warmth to his work. In this wonderful book he teaches us how to say No—with grace and effect—so that we might create even better Yes".—Jim Collins, author Good to Great
"Almost any brief comment on The Power of a Positive No would be trite. Suffice it to say that if I'd had and used this book for the last 25 years, I would have doubtless avoided innumerable heartaches and headaches and tattered personal and professional relationships. 'Original' is an embarrassingly overused word on book dust jackets, but, simply, this all-important book stands alone on a subject that underpins, like no other, jndividual and organizational effectiveness."—Tom Peters, author of In search of Excellence
"The world's biggest shared secret is that most of us say yes when we really want to say no, in both our professional and private lives. Bill Ury generously provides us with insights and techniques to turn this malady into win-win solutions. This is a wise and powerful book."—John Naisbitt, author of Megatrends
"No matter whether you are negotiating compensation with the toughest CFO or a curfew for your teenager, this book teaches us a critical and counterintuitive lesson. You can say no and still be nice. Simple, straightforward and easy to read, The Power of a Positive No is a YES on our reading list."—Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval, authors of The Power of Nice: How to Conquer the Business World with Kindness
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